Ha ha! You thought I'd forgotten all about this blog!
I never forgot, I just stopped caring.
But I like symmetry, and bookends, and when the thought of a movie project to end the year in December popped into my head, it seemed a fine way to go out to complement the James Bond movie project we did in January. So here we are, watching 12 Hallmark (or Hallmark-esque) Christmas movies in the 12 days leading up to Christmas. All these selections will be movies I have not seen before, and I go into them with an open heart and mind, prepared to be warmed and filled by holiday cheer, terrible acting, and more establishing scenic shots than you can throw a snowball at.
Today's Entry - CHRISTMAS IN THE ROCKIES
In Which - A young woman must enter a lumberjack competition in order to save her injured father's failing sawmill business while competing against (and falling in love with!) the new-to-town paramedic who saved her father's life!
It took me a good chunk of this movie to recalibrate my brain into Hallmark Movie mode. This is a skill I've developed over the last few years watching a couple every year at my mother's insistence, and mostly involves lowering your expectations into the basement in order to widen the threshold of your heart to be filled with joy at this highly questionable artistic endeavor. But look, it's off to a strong start with 30 seconds of stock footage of the Rocky Mountains covered in snow!
I'm still figuring out the format of how I want to talk about these movies. For now, I'm just going to detail out the bullet points my brain jotted down as I watched the movie
- We are introduced to the main character's dog 2 minutes into the movie - Bear, a Husky - and he is criminally underused for the rest of the movie, only showing up in one mid-story montage scene. Come on Hallmark! I want more dogs!
- We meet a character that I think is the father figure but no wait it's actually the grandfather. A kindly only mildly-crazed looking white haired old man, who says - direct quote - "I'm an old man, so what I say must be true!" in his opening scene. I like Grandpa Sam energy. He tells it like it is
- Our main character Katie Jolly (yes, her actual name) narrowly avoids taking a prestigious job with a law firm in New York because her MeanGirl almost-boss apparently wants to save the planet (environmental law?) but doesn't want to save Katie's almost job offer for a few days while Katie works through a family emergency. Honestly, Katie, you dodged a bullet there. Don't work for employers like that!
- Katie's actual dad looks like he's only 10 years older than her, a stoic small business owner named GORDON JOLLY. You can't make this up. He also gives me a vibe that is a cross between my childhood neighbour Mr. Whitney and Evan Peters as Jeffrey Dahmer. Huh.
- We go 23 minutes before we hit our first montage and it's a training montage as Katie prepares for the lumberjack contest that will close out the movie.
- Why is the audio mixing so terrible? There are scenes where I can't hear the dialogue for the loud background music. Early theory - Hallmark movies are edited where the addition and relative volume of music is tied to the terrible writing or cringe-inducing level of the scene being played out.
- The runtime on this movie is 87 minutes - we go 48 minutes before we get our first "Miss-Kiss", as I've newly dubbed them - the moment when the love couple alllllmost kiss but then are interrupted by a convenient plot device. This time it's a buzzing cell phone. I estimate this will happen in 7/12 of the movies I watch this season.
- At 51 minutes we get our classic Rom Com movie device in which a simple misunderstanding develops that could just be resolved by BASIC COMMUNICATION. Come on people. However - remarkably, and refreshingly - only 12 minutes later (which granted, is several scenes) - the two main characters actually do simply talk it out over dinner and the simple misunderstanding is quickly and easily resolved. This was honestly so simply and well done I was astonished and almost applauded.
- Speaking of gut reaction, I counted four times in this movie where I simply guffawed at something that happened or was said, it was so silly. I didn't write down what those moments were, though.
- At 84 minutes in, we finally see our characters kiss, and 90 seconds later there is an accepted marriage proposal. We gotta wrap things up fast in this movie and bring it in under runtime and budget, folks
- Grandpa Sam alarmingly disappeared from the final act of the movie, and I didn't realize it til after, and I was NOT HAPPY with this. He was a main supporting character throughout and then he just...disappears in the last 20 minutes of the movie?? What the heck? #JUSTICEFORGRANDPASAM
- Best Quotes, Provided Context-Free
"I can't bring my mom back, or fix my dad's leg...but I can swing an axe!"
"I am sweating in places I have never sweated before!"
"No...it was a medium bonk"
End of the Day, it was cheesy, it was silly, and I kinda loved it. I don't know how to rate these movies yet. It's a relative scale. But I'm giving this one 8 out of 10 Pine Trees.
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